Fair workers sell cotton candy, candy apples and other Midway delights as the double ferris wheel looms large in the background

We are always hungry at the fair.

And I wish people would just shut up about the fat and calories packed into the delectable, decadent, dipped-in-batter-and-grease, taste bud-pleasing delights lined up along the midway.

Ripped from the headlines on the Hungry Girl food blog: “The Fat Content in Funnel Cake and Other Fair Scares.”

Oh Puh-leeze!

Spare us the details.  Let us enjoy our fair food in peace.  Ignorance is bliss. Especially at the fair.

Let us chow down on fried turkey legs that are bigger than our heads without having to feel guilty about it.  We already know this little snack contains a week’s worth of calories, and we choose to be in denial about it.  Do we really need a reminder?

It is guilty pleasure enough to consume a whole funnel cake in a single sitting and chase it down with a tall cup of fried Coca Cola.   Do not reveal its contents without first alerting us that TMI is coming so we have time to plug our ears.

A web special on the Delish.com blog features photos and descriptions of 10 top food fads from the fair.

About halfway through the slideshow, where Hot Beef Sundae meets Pizza in a Cone, up pops an ad for Lipitor, the famous cholesterol fighting drug.

I am not making this up!

Talk about adding insult to injury, not to mention ruining a perfectly good daydream about fried twinkies and big wads of cotton candy.   And right on the eve of the NC State Fair, no less.

Bah Humbug.

Here’s an idea for showing ways to enjoy the gastronomic delights of the fair without absorbing the fat and calories. Instead of reminding us that a serving of deep fried butter may cause us our health insurance premiums to go up, why not simply advertise the Double Ferris Wheel or the Zipper?

Many a fair goer has enjoyed the binge and purge method of chowing down on Fried Twinkies, Foot Long Hot Dogs and Chicken Fried Bacon, only to take a little spin on the Meteorite. Sure enough, a few minutes after landing on solid ground, up comes the food after just barely touching your stomach lining.

Presto, you’re ready to resume your quest to eat your way through the entire fair in between hair-raising, stomach churning rides.

Had a pair of fried frogs legs or two?

Hop on the Sea Ray.

Downed a Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich doused in honey?

Take a trip on the Vortex and look down. Often. If you can even tell which direction “Down” is.

No need for Lipitor when you’ve got the Twister handy.  And you’ll survive a day at the fair without gaining an ounce.

Heck, you MIGHT even lose a pound or two.

I have some confessions to make about Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett.  The wall-to-wall tributes to these two pop culture icons have conjured up some fun memories.   There’s no escape from the countless montages of photos chronicling Michael Jackson’s transformation from an adorable little boy into the strangely eccentric King of Pop, including a Michael Jackson video orgy on VH1 all day today.  Add these to the clips from “Charlie’s Angels” and photos of gorgeous Farrah Fawcett, who even managed to look beautiful throughout most of the self-made film that documented her struggle with the cancer that would kill her after all.

And that poster.  I thought I had seen the last of that thing after I graduated from college (more about that later).

The general public is strangely sad that Michael and Farrah died.  Most of the world never met either one of them.  We never saw Michael sing in person, and probably never would have.  Neither had produced anything new in years, and they only resurfaced from time to time in tawdry tabloids.

But they were always  there. Woven into the fabric of my own existence through my childhood, teen years and adulthood.    Now they are gone, and in a way, I feel like a piece of my life has gone with them. In mourning the passing of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, I mourn the passing of a little bit of me as well.

The beat goes on.

In memory and tribute to Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, I list some confessions that I have never admitted to anyone, at least in a long long time.

THE POSTER: Back in college, some boys in my dorm had THE POSTER of Farrah Fawcett pinned up in their room.  We girls used to threaten to go in their suite and draw braces on her teeth, and we got a lot of evil, wicked laughs about actually doing it.  We never had the guts to go through with it though.  It would have become the eighth deadly sin.

CHARLIE’S ANGELS: For awhile, that was my favorite show.  I loved it.  I wanted to be one of the Angels.

FARRAH’S HAIR ETC: I neither wanted nor had that Farrah Do.  Too big and blonde.  But I did get a swimsuit like hers, black though instead of red.  ‘Nuff said about that.

MOONWALK: I am sure that I am not the only one who has ever tried to moonwalk on a dance floor, both failing miserably and making a fool of myself.  I tried again today when I saw the Gloved One perform it on TV, but I almost fell over Bart the cat while he was sleeping and nearly scared him out of his wits.

THE JACKSON FIVE: I have long held onto an old CD called “The Ultimate Jackson Five,” and a commercial CD called “The Love Songs of Michael Jackson” and I have been blasting them out of my car stereo for days now.  “Never Can Say Goodbye.”

BUBBLES THE CHIMP: I admit it.  I got to wondering what ever happened to Bubbles, so I Googled him.  He’s got a pretty good Internet presence for a chimpanzee.  So here’s the scoop. Bubbles is known as Michael Jackson’s first “child.”  Michael adopted Bubbles from a cancer research center and raised him like a son.  Despite rumors over the years that Bubbles committed suicide, the chimp actually grew up, became aggressive, and had to go live at an animal sanctuary.  Michael Jackson may have been weird, but to his credit, he did right by Bubbles and saved him the same fate as another famous “chimp son” – the unforgettable Travis.

A FAVORITE MICHAEL JACKSON SONG: I LOVE the “We are the World” and the video, co-written by Lionel Ritchie and Michael Jackson-produced by Quincy Jones.  I had not thought of it in a long time until today, when I saw it twice on VH1 and then watched it three more times on You Tube.  It came out in 1985.  I bought the record and listened to it so many times I learned all the words and practiced singing it in the voices of the featured performers:

SOLOS: Lionel Ritchie; Stevie Wonder; Paul Simon; Kenny Rogers; James Ingram; Tina Turner; Billy Joel; Michael Jackson; Diana Ross; Dionne Warwick; Willie Nelson; Al Jarreau; Bruce Springsteen; Kenny Loggins; Steve Perry; Darryl Hall; Huey Lewis; Cyndi Lauper; Kim Carnes; Bob Dylan; Ray Charles; Stevie Wonder

EXTRAS: Dan Akroyd; Harry Belafonte; Lindsey Buckingham; The News; Sheila E.; Bob Geldoff; Jackie Jackson; LaToya Jackson; Marlon Jackson; Randy Jackson; Tito Jackson; Waylon Jennings; Bette Midler; John Oates; Jeffrey Osborne; The Pointer Sisters; Smokey Robinson

(Click the link below the picture to see a clip)

We Are The World

There comes a time when we heed a certain call

When the world must come together as one

There are people dying

And it’s time to lend a hand to life

The greatest gift of all

We can’t go on pretending day by day

That someone, somewhere will soon make a change

We are all part of God’s great big family

And the truth you know love is all we need

We are the world, we are the children

We are the ones who make a brighter day so let’s start giving

There’s a choice we’re making

We’re saving our own lives

It’s true, we’ll make a better day, just you and me

]]> http://misscongeniality.wordpress.com/2009/06/29/never-can-say-goodbye-to-michael-and-farrah/feed/ 0 misscongeniality Farrah Poster bubbles We are the world picture http://misscongeniality.wordpress.com/2009/06/15/photo-safari-artsplosure-in-raleigh-nc/ http://misscongeniality.wordpress.com/2009/06/15/photo-safari-artsplosure-in-raleigh-nc/#comments Mon, 15 Jun 2009 01:05:23 +0000 misscongeniality http://misscongeniality.wordpress.com/?p=457 ]]>

Downtown Bride

A Jazzy Act

Boys contemplate their next move

Art Imitating Art.

Girl in a Tree

Irish Jam Session

The scenery's nice indoors too

Making Magic in City Market

Boy with a tiny horse

Happiness is a giant acorn

Look at me. I'm hula hoopin', man!

Pretty good for a first timer

The beat goes on

Seriously orange hair

Sweet Dreams, Raleigh

Well folks, they’re at it again.

Regular people. They get mad. They dial 911.

Back in the spring, Latreasa Goodman, a Florida woman, got fed up with McDonalds because she ordered and paid for some Chicken McNuggets and received a McDouble and fries instead, which she did not want. When McDonalds refused to give her money back, she called 911.

Since then, other people have begun to think it is a good idea to call 911 when they are disgruntled and frustrated.

SEND THE POLICE! MY  SON WON’T CLEAN UP HIS ROOM

Dispatcher: 911 – What is your emergency?

Caller: My son won’t clean up his room!

Dispatcher: This is not an emergency

Caller: Yes, it IS an emergency. He’s 28 years old, and won’t move out of the house. His room is like a pig sty and today when I insisted he clean it up, he made a fist and threw a plate of food at me. Send some police over here and make him clean up his room now.

WIFE IS “FAT”

Dispatcher: 911 – What is your emergency?

Caller: Some guys told my wife she is fat.

Dispatcher: Is she fat?

Caller: What? That is not the point. The point is you ought to send the police down here and arrest them. My wife was strolling our baby on the street, and two guys were handing out flyers promoting memberships to a gym, and when she said she didn’t want one, they told her that she is fat and she has a fat stomach and she probably eats too many doughnuts.

Dispatcher: This is not an emergency

Caller: This IS an emergency. These guys have no right to tell my wife she’s fat. I want them arrested and put in jail.

Later: One neighbor told a reporter: “That is completely horrible. That should never be the way you talk to people, where you’re offensive. Regardless of whether you’ve had a baby or you’re just fat.”

SHORT-SHRIMPED

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?

Caller: Yeah…I’m up here at Buffaloes Chinese Take-Out. I always get the shrimp fried rice, so I said ‘I’m gonna get extra meat this time, but the guy at the counter didn’t even put the extra shrimp in there.”

Dispatcher: This is not an emergency

Caller: Yes, this IS an emergency. That guy didn’t give me my extra shrimp, and I paid a dollar and sixty-seven cents for it, so I asked that guy ‘Can you give me the extra shrimp or give me my money back? And he started hollering, so I just tell him, I’m gonna call the police.”

Dispatcher: This is really not an emergency.

Caller: I’m just sayin’ to get a police officer up here, what has to happen?

Dispatcher: I’m going to send a police officer. I just don’t know how long it’s going to take.

Somewhere, a shrimp is smiling!

Okay, I have put on a couple of pounds.  AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

But along with my unfortunate weight gain has come enlightenment and lessons learned.

Like when I was complaining to a trainer I work out with twice a week that I am having some trouble zipping my zippers and I need to lose a few pounds.

He said: “It’s probably muscle.”

Uhhh…well Noooo.

Running  10 miles a week, training 30 minutes, three times a week with light weights and taking an occasional spin class would NOT create enough muscles to go up a whole clothing size, unless the new bodybuilding drugs are named “Krispy Kreme,” “Doritos” and “Sweet Tea.”

Lesson #1: Only athletes training for the Olympics or using steroids will gain enough muscle to outgrow their clothes.  If you are a normal person who participates in normal fitness activities, you are not going to get bigger from exercise unless part of your fitness plan involves hot fudge sundaes on the couch while watching Desperate Housewives.

I was heading out to a party, and put on the little black dress I planned to wear, and OMG!!!  There was my head, on a Rubenesque body. I normally don’t have much of a figure, but now…this dress was clingy – hips, tummy…. I was self-conscious in my own bedroom. But I didn’t have time to change, and I rationalized that it would be dark and I’d be sitting most of the time, so maybe no one would notice.

Well wouldn’t ya know it?  I went up to the bar to get a drink and a random guy just sort of sidled over to me and said, “this may sound forward, but I have to say you really know how to wear that dress.”

Aughh…BUSTED!!!  I KNEW IT!

Lesson #2: If you think you look a certain way in an outfit…like you have body parts hanging out or sticking out, or new curves you have never had before and you don’t like it, don’t think nobody will notice. They will.  Go ahead and change your clothes.

Getting dressed has become a cross training exercise.  Yes. It works best with jeans fresh out of the washer/dryer.  You step into the jeans that USED TO FIT, and you get a pretty decent workout pulling them up.  Getting them over your calves and knees is just the warm-up, but when you work your way up to the thighs, that’s where your strength training kicks in.  The pulling and tugging front and back works your biceps and triceps and forearms.  Sucking in trying to zip up and button up works the abs and the lung capacity (when you hold your breath).  You get bonus exercise points for a cardio workout if you jump up and down to create gravity to force your butt through the waist-hole.

Lesson #3 and #4: Make sure you have good upper body strength before you try this exercise.  And be careful with the wriggling, gyrating and twisting back and forth so you don’t throw your back out.  And be sure to stretch afterwards.

Remember:  Don’t use your belt loops as handles for pulling.  Ripping will ensue and your underpants will show through the hole, and some random man may notice and say “hey, you really know how to wear those jeans.”

What happens when you use the loops as handles for tugging

Sometimes those cravings just hit and I MUST eat something.  I was jogging the other day and spotted some delectable blackberries growing by the sidewalk.  I picked one and ate it.  It was nice, and crunchy, and syrupy sweet.  Quite yummy. So I ate another one.  But then it occurred to me that blackberries usually emerge in July at the earliest, and it was only May.

Uh oh!

Upon closer inspection, I discovered that the berries were growing on a tree-like plant, and not a thorn covered vine with pointy leaves where you find most blackberries hanging.  These were NOT blackberries!!!!!

For the rest of the run…about 3 miles, I had phantom symptoms of poisoning ..throat closing, stomach churning, lightheadedness…. Exactly how poisoning is shown on TV, but the point is, I survived.

These are Blackberries

These are NOT blackberries

Lesson #5:  If you have let yourself gain a few pounds, you know you are in trouble when you cave into your cravings and try to eat anything, regardless of whether you are risking a horrible-death-by-poisoning to eat it.

At a meeting of my running group, there was a table with books for sale.  One was called “Running ‘Til You’re 100,” which I rejected outright, cringing at the thought of running for 50 or 60more years.  But the book called “Running and Fat Burning” caught my eye.  I originally took up running to burn fat before running took over me and I gained weight anyway.  So I forked over my $20 bucks, and we’ll see what happens.

I would not be surprised if the first sentence about nutrition advises runners that the first step in maintaining good health is to avoid eating poison plants and berries that grow along the the trails.

Swine Flu has arrived and we are scared out of our wits.  We tracked its slow march through Mexico and into Texas.  All over the country, we are officially on Swine Flu watch and it’s turning us into a nation of hypochondriacs who are afraid to eat barbecue.

It’s a full scale “aporkalypse.”

We’re significantly terrified, running around like a snowstorm’s coming – buying handsanitizer by the barrel. Boiling our underwear. Do face masks really help?

 Do we even know what Swine Flu is? It must be something really bad that has something to do with pigs.  I ate pork tenderloin last night.  Am I feeling a little headachy and sweaty?  Is my throat scratchy?  I think I have it OMG!

 One news outlet reported that federal quarantine laws may be put in place, these are laws that forbid people from leaving their homes in US Code 42,264: Regulations to Control Communicable Disease allows the surgeon general to quarantine individuals reasonably believed to be infected with a communicable disease.  Anyone violating a quarantine order can be fined up to $25,000 and “quarantined” in prison for up to one year.

 A quarantine from work may not be such a bad thing.  I for one could use a little vacation.

My knee’s been giving me some trouble the past few weeks… I think that’s one of the symptoms of swine flu, and if I don’t stay home from work, I may be fined $25,000.

 I was partying last night, and woke up feeling terrible. Dry mouth, headache, upset stomach.  I think I’m coming down with Swine Flu and need to be quarantined for a few days.

 Ever since I had that swine flu, I can tell when it’s about to rain.  My lymph nodes start acting up and I run a fever.  It must be swine flu aftershocks, so I need to be quarantined from work when it rains.

 Gee officer.  I don’t know why I ran that ran red light. My breath smells like alcohol?  I heard that’s one of the symptoms of swine flu.

 My cat’s been sneezing lately.  Can kitties get swine flu?  I’d better quarantine myself for a few days just in case.

 This little piggy heard that he could get Swine Flu by walking barefoot in a muddy pig pen.

Swine Flu was engineered by a bunch of pigs who got together and hired a lobbyist and a PR agency and campaigned to have this specific strain flu named after their species.   They got the idea from the cows, who engineered Mad Cow Disease, which was effective.  People stopped eating beef for months.  So far, the idea is really working for the pigs too.  I understand  Swine Flu is now on Twitter, and Barbecue Restaurants are reporting significant dips in business.

Wait!  Not so fast little piggies; there’s a new counter campaign to change the name of the flu for a variety of reasons.

The government wants to give your flu a government-sounding name in an attempt to save the barbecue industry, calling the flu strain Type A/H1N1

There are complaints from abroad too. Israeli officials suggest renaming our flu Mexican flu, saying the reference to pigs is offensive to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork (the pig lobby has gone international).

 By now, though a change is probably too late.  “Swine Flu” has been burned into our brains and even official health-advice web addresses use it: www.cdc.gov/swineflu

 Plus, we are so frightened of getting sick, a name change would probably cause an already panicky public to fear yet another outbreak of another type of flu.

 Nevertheless, the Department of Agriculture continues to push for change, stating that there are no known sick U.S. pigs.

 Not unless the Pig lobby has something to say about it.

Last winter, Bella, a dainty poodle who lives in Cary was clearly not happy about taking a walk on a frosty winter morning, even though she was quite the fashion plate in her layered look: A soft pink lined jacket over a fuschia sweater, all of which matched the cute pink ribbon in her hair and her lovely pink leash.  She was hardly in the mood to walk the red carpet, however.

 No, I am not pleased, thank you very much.  I know I look terribly chic in my sweater and coat with matching hair ribbon and leash, but REALLY!  It’s 37 degrees out here and I would rather be in bed eating doggy bon bons.  I am cold and want to go home.

Now it is spring, and it feels like summer, perfect poodle weather, and Bella is more than pleased and happy on her walk.

Ahhh…I feel sooooo much better. The temperature is 80 now, much more civilized for taking a morning stroll.  Don’t get me wrong. I love my trendy outfit, but being naked on a warm day is much nicer.

 Dana Pasquale, Darryl Banks, BD Sechler and Linda Banks laugh off pre-race jitters

Runners take on endurance race

100 miles, 24 hours, a thousand blisters — the Umstead Endurance Race

(Written for The News & Observer/North Raleigh News by Teri Saylor)

In a span of just under 23 hours, BD Sechler devoured 16 hotdogs, consumed 14 liters of water, lost at least one toenail, and ran 100 miles in Umstead Park.                                                                                                                                                                       

Sechler, 46, of Cary, and Darryl Banks, 42, of Wake Forest, are known for their adventurous athletic pursuits, but the day they signed up to run the Umstead 100 Endurance Race, friends and family started whispering the word “crazy” in association with their names. The Umstead 100 consists of one 12.5-mile loop through Umstead Park, which runners attempt to circle eight times in a single 24-hour period, beginning at 6 a.m. April 4.

Why would two regular guys think they could run 100 miles?

“Stupidity,” Sechler said, laughing. “No, really it’s a challenge. We’ve never done it before.”

 Banks wanted to see how far he could push his limits.

 Neither has a history of distance running.

 They met in 2004 when they joined the Galloway Marathon Training Program with their wives as a challenge and to get in shape.  Marathons span 26.2 miles.

 “I played football and soccer, and we used to make fun of people who ran,” Sechler said. “I always thought ‘if you’re not chasing a ball, why run?’”

 Banks, who lived in California in the early ‘90s, had run a half-marathon before, but mostly ran short-distance races.

“I used to wonder why anyone would want to run a marathon,” Banks admitted.

 The two friends pushed each other and soon a simple marathon wasn’t challenging enough.

 They ran the intimidating Pike’s Peak Marathon. Then the Frosty 50, a 50K, or 31-mile run, and the 40-mile Uwharrie Mountain Run. 

For their first 100-miler, they chose the 15-year old Umstead race because it’s local and has the reputation of being a great beginners Ultra-Marathon.

 “This race is best known for beginners,” said Race Director Blake Norwood. “We always have a high number of first-timers.”

 In training sessions, neither Sechler nor Banks ran farther than 50 miles.  They simulated perceived race conditions by running the Umstead trails at night. 

Leading up to the race, they were too nervous to sleep, and Banks didn’t sleep at all the night before the race.

“I didn’t sleep well for two weeks,” Banks said. “The bats in my stomach seem to be more active at night and kept me up.”

Race Day April 4

5:30 a.m. Sechler and Banks nervously go through their gear bags, sorting extra shoes, socks, clothes, rain gear, head lamps, first aid supplies, body glide, nutritional gels and snacks. After months of training, they are ready. The temperature outside is 48 degrees.

6:00 a.m. They’re off!

11:00 a.m. 25 miles They’re still together five hours and two loops into the race with 75 miles to go. They are right on time and strong. After changing footwear and grabbing snacks, they start their third loop.

6:30 p.m. 57 miles Sechler shows up at an aid station midway through his fifth loop. He has never run this far before and is excited. Banks arrives at the aid station 10 minutes later.

“I feel good, and yes, I think I can go the distance,” Banks said.

April 5

 4:30 a.m. 87.5 miles  Sechler is on the home stretch. He’s more than an hour ahead of schedule. 

Banks is lagging, but still in the race. He arrives at the base camp, suffering from gnarly blisters, which require first aid.

“My muscles and joints feel tight and sore, but otherwise, I’m fine,” Banks says.

Banks’ wife, Linda, also a runner, joins him on his last loop, which they predict will take four hours to complete.

4:47 a.m. 100 miles Sechler crosses the finish line more than an hour ahead of schedule, finishing 100 miles in 22:47.

“My feet hurt and my legs feel wobbly, like a new born colt,” he said. “But I feel great.”

Sechler spends the next four hours napping on and off in front of a blazing fireplace to keep his body temperature up.

Banks crosses the finish line just after 8:15 a.m.  26 hours, 15 minutes after he started.

 “You spend months training and planning and thinking about it, and now it’s over,” Sechler said.

Except it’s not really over.

Sechler and Banks plan to run a half marathon at the end of this month, and will gear up to run the Hatfield & McCoy Full Marathon in South Williamson, KY June 13.

And while they’re not ready to talk about it yet, more endurance races are likely in their future too.

 Click here for more pictures of BD and Darryl’s Excellent Adventure http://picasaweb.google.com/terisaylor

Saturday night at the fights. Old School wrestling is making a comeback, thanks, in part, to the Oscar-worthy film “The Wrestler” featuring Mickey Rourke, which some say, parallels the life and fights of Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Here are the legends and the upstarts at a recent fight night at a muscle fitness club in Clayton, N.C.  ( With apologies to Vanity Fair Magazine, Annie Leibowitz , and the many subjects of the magazine’s gorgeous photo essays)

The Snake and the Charmer

With one foot firmly planted on the dark side and the other searching for the light, Jake “The Snake” Roberts battles his own demons as ferociously as he knocks down his foes in the ring.  As much as he hates the snake, he craves the adoration that this serpent gives him, creating striking metaphors:  His struggles to stay in the light even as the devil has him by the heartstrings, and his obsessive relationships with his now dead father and his living mistress – the wrestling mat.  He has spent more than half his life in the ring, and at 53, the dramatic and charismatic wrestler’s eyes fill with tears and his voice gets rough when he reveals his greatest regrets: that he was not a better father to his children and that he could not have saved many wrestling friends from committing suicide.

The Russian (Teddy) Bear

In his prime, Ivan Koloff was the fearsome Russian Bear, a legendary heel with an affected Russian accent and intimidating facial hair.  Over the years, Ivan, 67, grew from a bad wrestling dude who could party with the best of them into a kindly minister.  In real life, this Russian Bear is really a Canadian teddy bear, married to the same loving wife for nearly four decades. He still craves the theatre of the ring, but his age and injuries early in his career have slowed him down.  Still he shows up at the fan fests, signs autographs, poses for pictures with kids, conducts his ministry and remains beloved inside and outside the ring. His peers honored him when they christened the Ivan Koloff Tag Team Championship.

 The Young Upstart

Long harboring a love for wrestling, Louis Moore has found a keen knack for the sport both inside the rough and tumble wrestling  ring and on the business side of the sport as a smart, young promoter who knows how to please the crowds.  A sales associate in his local Walmart, he works by day to survive while growing his fight promotion business and showing what he can do on the mats.  On one rainy, dreary Saturday night, the 22-year old donned his alter-ego, and as Sudden Impact, faced the weathered master, Jake the Snake Roberts, allowing himself to be vanquished and to the delight of the 300 people assembled for the event, lay “unconscious” while The Snake shoved an actual Burmese Python head first down his pants.

The Fairy Princess

The Fabulous Frankie Fountaine intimidates his fiercest foes using nothing more sinister than blowing bubbles and planting kisses on their foreheads.  Frankie is a lovable, effeminate, little fellow with the physique of a pot-bellied pig, prancing and preening, twirling and posing, and eventually emerging victorious.  You have not lived until you have been in a conversation with Jake the Snake Roberts and Fabulous Frankie Fountaine, discussing the fact that the monkey Frankie wears below his belly had become so dirty and nasty from people touching it and rubbing it, that he had to wash it and its squeaker had broken in the washer.  Jake was sympathetic.

The Clown Prince of the Ropes

Otto Schwanz struts, chicken walks, dances, prances, and pounces.  He’s been called the German Beef, but his name’s really Murray, and just 15 years ago, he was living life on the college gridiron as a co-captain on the Georgetown Hoyas football team. Moonlighting in the ring is Otto’s escape from real life as a history teacher and high school wrestling coach. Despite never being intimidated by the most fearsome of his foes, the sight of his student athletes at a match would be enough to crumble the mighty Otto.

The Viking

Tennessee Ernie Nord is neither a Nordic Viking, nor from Tennessee, and his name is not Ernie.  It’s Chad.  In Ernie’s skin, the blonde bombshell performs comedic wrestling maneuvers, while charming and thrilling his fans all at the same time.  When he stands in just the right place on top of the ropes, holds his gavel high in the air and lets out a roar, he makes the wrestling ring look like an opera stage.  Now that’s a thought.  An old-school opera about wrestling, staged in a barren ring.  Act I: in which the warriors circle the wagons:  Act II: In which they let loose on their opponents. Act III: In which they sing each other down to the finish. Puccini would roll over in his grave.

The American Hero

Consequences Creed rules, with his defined pecs and six-pack abs. On the side of the flag, he conquers his foes with the cool control of a super hero.  His opponents can get him down, stomp his face, twist his arms, tug so hard on his lush afro his neck arches back, and crush him into the mat, but he always rises to fight again to the delight of his fans.  Then he turns on his sweet smile and flashes a set of deep dimples, and rules the ring with the charm of a college heart throb, which he probably was, and not too long ago.  Creed (aka Austin Watkins) hails from Georgia, and graduated from Furman University last summer with two degrees: Bachelors of Arts in Psychology and Philosophy.  He’s a new character on the scene, but already making an impact with the kids.

The Old Pros

 Rich Landrum and Bob Caudle are the legendary voices of World Wide Wrestling and Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling.  With the cool professionalism notable in broadcasters, and tongues firmly planted in cheeks, this team infused a certain gravitas into professional wrestling, immediately creating an oxymoron for a sport that thrives on humor, exaggeration, schtick, and a heavy dose of fun.  Back in the day, Bob and Rich were accepted into the boys’ fight club, becoming a part of the lives of the wrestlers even as they avoided the lifestyles.  Their love of the sport is evident in their voices. On the rare nights now, when Bob and Rich take the stage together, audiences witness a segment of pop culture so retro that it takes the adults all the way back to their own childhoods when they were as thrilled as kids are today by the Wide, Wild World of Championship Wrestling, the way it is supposed to be done.