March came in like the King of the Jungle. The March 2 landscape was awash in frosty white layers of snow. By March 7, the temps had soared to 80 degrees, a miraculous swing, and around town our collective mood soared with the mercury. 
March 8, 2009
One Week in March
March 5, 2009
Need a Little Respect? Dial 911
Latreasa
I have a new hero. It’s Latreasa Goodman, the Florida woman who called 911 when the manager at McDonalds wouldn’t give her a refund after she ordered chicken nuggets, which were sold out. As a refresher, here’s how it went.
Operator: 911 – What is your emergency?
Latreasa: The manager (here at the McDonalds) just took my money and won’t give me my money back trying to make me get something off the menu that I don’t want. I ordered chicken nuggets, and so I told her “just give me my money back,” and she tells me I have to pick something else off the menu. She is not going to give me my money back, and she don’t have the right to take my money.
Operator: This is not an emergency
Latreasa: This IS an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one. This IS an emergency. When you feel that you have been mistreated or robbed out of your money, you have the right to call 911
AMEN!
Now Latreasa is charged with making frivilous 911 calls, and she feels embarrassed because people are calling this a McNugget meltdown. But I say hold your head high, girl. Makes perfect sense to me. I am going to put your mug shot on a tee shirt.
Sometimes you are just so frustrated you are willing to resort to drastic measures, so why not call 911?
*Operator: 911 – What is your emergency?
Caller: I’m sittin’ down here at this diner and they brought my breakfast out here cold and they won’t bring me another breakfast. I sat here and waited and waited to get served in the first place, and my breakfast came out here cold, and I just want another one.
Operator: This is not an emergency
Caller: This IS an emergency. I am hungry and all I want is a nice hot breakfast and the restaurant won’t give me one.
*Operator: 911 – What is your emergency?
Caller: I’m over here at the Walmart and they only have one lane open and there’s like 37 people in line, and someone’s doing a price check. My young’uns are at day care and I gotta be over there to pick them up in 30 minutes. I think you oughta send a policeman over here and make the store open up some other lines. If I don’t get over to the daycare to pick up my babies in a half hour, they’re gonna charge me a dollar a minute overtime.
*Operator: 911 – What is your emergency?
Caller: Yeah. I’m out here sitting on a plane at the airport and I am in the middle seat and there’s a fat person on one side with his fat thighs touching me, and some sick woman on the other side and she must have tuberculosis or somethin’ she’s coughin up stuff, and they won’t let me get another seat. There’s plenty of other seats on the plane, and they won’t let me move, and I think you need to send some police over to make them find me another seat.
Operator: This is not an emergency
Caller: This IS an emergency. I have a three-hour flight, and those big fat thighs rubbing against mine for three hours is gonna give me a rash and I could catch those TB germs. This IS an emergency.
*Operator: 911- What is your emergency?
Caller: My co-worker is over here getting in my business and she won’t leave me alone. She does it all the time and I am sick and tired of it and our boss won’t do anything about it. She listens to my phone calls, reads my emails, and gossips, and won’t shut up. I think you ought to send some police over here to make her go back to work and leave me alone.
*Operator: 911 – What is your emergency?
Caller: There’s this dude over here talking really loud on his cell phone and he won’t be quiet. I tried to tell him nicely to shut up, but he won’t stop talking, and I want you to send a policeman over here to make him shut up on the phone.
*Operator: 911 – What is your emergency?
Caller: I am down here at this dive bar and there’s only one ladies’ toilet with two commodes and one of the commodes is stopped up and no one will come in to fix it. There’s women going all over the sinks and in the men’s room and it’s really nasty, and the people down here at the bar won’t do anything about it, and I think you need to send some police down here to make them fix the toilet so we can use it.
Operator: This is not an emergency.
Caller: This IS an emergency. I’ve been standin’ here 20 minutes with my legs crossed waiting to use the toilet and I can’t hold it much longer. If the commode don’t get fixed soon, I’m gonna pee all over myself. It’s definitely an emergency.
Are there any times you wish you had 911 on your speed dial?
March 3, 2009
24 Hours in February
On a recent mild Friday night, a group of runners set out at 11 p.m. to run through some deep dark woods all night long.
The next day, the weather turned cold and rainy, perfect for a gang dressed in funny costumes who plunged into an icy lake in Raleigh.
Later that Saturday night a group of men, following their youthful dreams of fun and glory, some in costume, and one sporting a large python, engaged in physical combat in the theatre of old school wrestling.
All of this actually happened in a bizarre 24 hours span – starting at 11 p.m. Friday February 27 and careening through time until wrapping up at 11 p.m. Saturday, February 28.
I am not making this up.
It all started when five intrepid runners set off to run 12.5-mile circles in some local woods. In the middle of the night. They were planning to run these circles eight times. Wearing halogen headlamps, they looked like a merry band of glowing woods nymphs as they trotted into their dark journey. I stood and watched them, and could see their bright glow bobbing through the trees for a long time, until it disappeared around a bend.
It all ended when a wrestler “wrassler” named Jake “The Snake” Roberts thrust a live Burmese Python, head first, down the pants of Sudden Impact, the foe he had just demolished in front of 300 adrenaline-infused fans chanting “snake! Snake! SNAKE!” throughout the five-minute ordeal.
Sandwiched in between these events, a polar bear, a gang of escaped convicts, bathing beauties, Gilligan, the Skipper, the Howells , and Santa Claus plunged into an icy lake on a cold rainy day. The air temperature was 52 degrees. Water was a tepid 49.
It was like Monty Python meets Alice in Wonderland.
And Miss Congeniality was there the entire time, witnessing every event, and documenting the excitement, the chills, the thrills, the snakes, and the snake charmers.
Over coming days, this space will be devoted to 24 bizarre hours in February.
Here’s a preview:
INTO THE WOODS
SPLASHDOWN
February 11, 2009
The Streets Were Alive With the Sounds of Gagging on Krispy Kreme Challenge Day
DOUGHNUTS!
Dogs. Gorillas. People dressed up as doughnuts, and even Elvis The King were willing to run four miles for doughnuts at the largest-ever Krispy Kreme Challenge event last weekend.
My personal score at the end of the run: Doughnuts in the box: 12 – Doughnuts in my tummy: 0 – Doughnuts in a puddle on the ground: 0 – Doughnuts shared later with office mates: 11
The day speaks for itself.
Roo will wear a tee shirt and silly hat for doughnuts!
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Seen on the Scene: Spectator holding sign: “Run Hard! Don’t Puke!
Response from a runner:”Puke Hard! Don’t Run!”
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Some Nordic types tried to “row” the whole way.
Less than a mile into it: Abandoned Ship! (“It was just too hard!” one shipmate exclaimed)
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Overheard cell phone conversation:
“I tell ya dude. I couldn’t believe it. Guy finished the race and lit up a cigarette. He runs; he eats a dozen doughnuts then he fires up a cigarette”
*******************************************************
Alpha Fried Doughboy Fraternity
Guy in a gorilla suit trying to shove his dozen doughnuts under the mouth hole in his mask: “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m miserable. This was a terrible mistake,” he said as he scarfed down another one.
OMG ! Elvis the undead – surfacing to run for doughnuts.
This guy escaped to Cuppa Joe’s afterwards. His Krispy Kreme Challenge Score: Doughnuts still in the box: O - Doughnuts in his tummy: 12 – Doughnuts in a puddle on the floor: Undecided
February 9, 2009
How to Spend a Warm Day in February
It is one of those days you dream about in the darkest, dreariest, coldest damp days of winter. A warm day in February when you dig out those shorts from last summer, praying they still fit after weeks of sedentary winter-couch-potato-wrapped-in-a-blanket-hibernation. And you haul them out of storage, and they barely fit, and you don’t care if you are showing off your legs in all their pallid, flabby glory.
IT’S WARM AND SUNNY OUTSIDE!
AND YOU WANT TO DO EVERYSINGLEWARMWEATHERTHING YOU LIKE TO DO –
ALL IN ONE DAY.
Go for a run
Ride a bike
Visit a sidewalk cafe
Play softball
Have a picnic
Go for a ride with the top down
Hike in the woods
How about fishing at Shelley Lake?
Or feeding the ducks and geese?
Or the seagulls?
Got it!
One bite for the birds; two for me!
“HUMANS! They’re just like us!”
February 9, 2009
Haiku for a warm day in February
A mid-winter treat
Sunny, warm February
Top down kind of day
February 5, 2009
A New Camera
Okay, so I got this new camera.
It’s a Canon Rebel XSi – 12.2 megapixels which is fine for magazine quality photography. I also got a 200 mm telephoto lens with a fast f2.8 shutter speed for shooting action shots. The better action photo lens would be a 70-200 millimeter lens with an f2.8 shutter speed. The difference between this lens and the one I bought is about $800 and a flexible shooting range. The simple 200 mm lens only takes pictures of things far away.
Of course you have to take your practice shots when you can get them. My cats have post traumatic stress disorder from having a camera follow them everywhere. Soon they’ll be riding in limos without wearing their panties, speaking in tongues and will eventually need rehab.
You think Britney had it bad. I’ve hidden the shaving utensils and locked up the liquor cabinet.
Speaking of the paparazzi– Can you find Bill Cowher?
Sometimes you get the shot.
…oops!
February 1, 2009
Haiku for Early Spring
ONE DAY COLD, SNOWY
THEN BUDS SENSE IT’S TIME TO WAKE
SPRING IS ON ITS WAY
January 30, 2009
The Woods are Scary, Dark and Deep
Raleigh has a long network of lovely greenways that snake for miles. The best part of running, walking and biking year round is watching the seasons change. The worst part is watching the days change.
Into night.
Dark, black, scary night.
When I am out there in the middle of the woods.
Alone.
A few weeks ago I got started on a five-miler a little too late. Once the sun starts setting, it goes down in a hurry, so there I was, on the back side of the lake when it started getting dark on me.
My imagination took flight.
S-C-A-R-E-D!!!!
The canopy of branches overhead, normally pretty and green, providing cooling shade in summer, became shadows against the gradually darkening sky. Branches looked like the long bony fingers of skeletons hovering overhead. Bushes alongside the trail started closing in.
Another runner burst out of the darkness to pass me. I let out a scream, and the poor guy leaped up in the air and screamed too.
Faster and faster I ran.
A bunny hopped into my path.
Aieeeeee!!!
Then the hallucinations kicked in, my mind conjuring up frightening creatures lying in wait to grab me.
I thought I saw someone cross the trail up ahead to hide in the woods.
A GHOST, and not Casper.
My heart rate jumped up a few more notches.
Normally a five-and-a-half-hour marathoner, I could have qualified for the Olympics that night. I swear I could not feel my feet hitting the ground.
Finally finally finally, up ahead, I saw a clearing. The end of the trail…out of the woods.
I looked back, and the mouth of the park was open and black. Then, after spitting me out, the woods silently closed up.
With a full-blown case of the creeps, shivering and shuddering, I made my way three more miles along a popular road, with comforting sidewalks and cheerful streetlights, and made it back to my car.
I wonder if the extra adrenaline and out-of-control heartbeat of being scared half to death burned more calories?
Hmmmmm….. a new exercise strategy?
BOO!
