The quest for physical perfection has probably been around since the starting line of time. When Adam and Eve realized they were naked and each of the opposite sex, they started working out immediately. Soon they were doing chin-ups on the Tree of Knowledge, running laps around the Garden of Eden. They formed the Garden Runners Club, organized the First Garden of Eden Marathon and started looking for ways to get stronger and faster.
It was just a matter of time before merely working out wasn’t good enough. Along came vitamins, supplements and more powerful stuff.
Despite running 20 or more miles a week for nearly four years, despite speed training with an actual professional trainer, despite speed training with a group of friends. Despite shaving a minute off of my mile-time and three minutes (whooo) off of my 5K since last year. Despite cross training, strength training, tennis, improving my diet, cutting back on alcohol (don’t laugh). I STILL run a five-and-a-half hour marathon.
I guess the next resort is doping. My group of female running buddies and I enjoy fantasizing about doping as the guys roll their eyes and try to change the subject. We don’t care what the men think.
After training and training and training, and still not fast enough, we are convinced that is the way to go.
Yep…get us some anabolic steroids. A few human growth hormones. A couple of shots of testosterone.
After all, we rationalize, who would care? Even with a little somethin’ somethin’ extra, we’d still never cross that finish line first. Why would anyone even bother to test us?
But what if we did try a few steroids, a little bit of testosterone. And what if we really did become strong and extra speedy with G-forces and everything. And what if we DID actually WIN the Chicago Marathon, even though we haven’t finished a marathon faster than five hours? Not only would that be simply AWESOME! I can hear the sportscasters now. They’d be announcing something like this:
“Here come the Kenyans, first and second…..but wait a minute. Who are these four little men? Man oh man…they’re really fast. They have blown past the Kenyans, and it’s a photo finish….but gosh, they aren’t very attractive, all no more than 5’2, hair in pony tails, huge ripped muscles and chest hair growing out over the tops of their sports bras.”