Swine Flu has arrived and we are scared out of our wits. We tracked its slow march through Mexico and into Texas. All over the country, we are officially on Swine Flu watch and it’s turning us into a nation of hypochondriacs who are afraid to eat barbecue.
It’s a full scale “aporkalypse.”
We’re significantly terrified, running around like a snowstorm’s coming – buying handsanitizer by the barrel. Boiling our underwear. Do face masks really help?
Do we even know what Swine Flu is? It must be something really bad that has something to do with pigs. I ate pork tenderloin last night. Am I feeling a little headachy and sweaty? Is my throat scratchy? I think I have it OMG!
One news outlet reported that federal quarantine laws may be put in place, these are laws that forbid people from leaving their homes in US Code 42,264: Regulations to Control Communicable Disease allows the surgeon general to quarantine individuals reasonably believed to be infected with a communicable disease. Anyone violating a quarantine order can be fined up to $25,000 and “quarantined” in prison for up to one year.
A quarantine from work may not be such a bad thing. I for one could use a little vacation.
My knee’s been giving me some trouble the past few weeks… I think that’s one of the symptoms of swine flu, and if I don’t stay home from work, I may be fined $25,000.
I was partying last night, and woke up feeling terrible. Dry mouth, headache, upset stomach. I think I’m coming down with Swine Flu and need to be quarantined for a few days.
Ever since I had that swine flu, I can tell when it’s about to rain. My lymph nodes start acting up and I run a fever. It must be swine flu aftershocks, so I need to be quarantined from work when it rains.
Gee officer. I don’t know why I ran that ran red light. My breath smells like alcohol? I heard that’s one of the symptoms of swine flu.
My cat’s been sneezing lately. Can kitties get swine flu? I’d better quarantine myself for a few days just in case.
This little piggy heard that he could get Swine Flu by walking barefoot in a muddy pig pen.
Swine Flu was engineered by a bunch of pigs who got together and hired a lobbyist and a PR agency and campaigned to have this specific strain flu named after their species. They got the idea from the cows, who engineered Mad Cow Disease, which was effective. People stopped eating beef for months. So far, the idea is really working for the pigs too. I understand Swine Flu is now on Twitter, and Barbecue Restaurants are reporting significant dips in business.
Wait! Not so fast little piggies; there’s a new counter campaign to change the name of the flu for a variety of reasons.
The government wants to give your flu a government-sounding name in an attempt to save the barbecue industry, calling the flu strain Type A/H1N1
There are complaints from abroad too. Israeli officials suggest renaming our flu Mexican flu, saying the reference to pigs is offensive to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork (the pig lobby has gone international).
By now, though a change is probably too late. “Swine Flu” has been burned into our brains and even official health-advice web addresses use it: www.cdc.gov/swineflu
Plus, we are so frightened of getting sick, a name change would probably cause an already panicky public to fear yet another outbreak of another type of flu.
Nevertheless, the Department of Agriculture continues to push for change, stating that there are no known sick U.S. pigs.
Not unless the Pig lobby has something to say about it.
Miss Congeniality 
